Discovery Day

Discovery day. D-day. If your new to the community of porn addict wives maybe you haven’t heard this term. If you’ve been around a while, you probably know what it is. We all have them. For me, it’s a day that brings heartbreaking memories. It symbolizes to me, the dawn of a whole new life. The day I realized my life, my world and my marriage would be forever changed. The day I earned a new title, one I never wanted. Wife of a Porn Addict.

My discovery day was August 6, 2011. It started out like any other day. I was six months pregnant with our first baby. I woke up in our little basement apartment and got a bowl of cereal. I decided to turn Pandora on the computer. I didn’t use the “big” computer very often, I just preferred my little laptop. We were students and the hubster bought a huge $700 computer earlier that year. It was supposed to be for him to use in drafting classes. I clicked on the computer and started typing. P… I stopped there, figuring that Pandora would show up in the URL drop down.  

The results didn’t have Pandora in them. Instead they were filled with the URL’s of sites I couldn’t have dreamed up in my nightmares. All of them included the word “porn.”

I went into our bedroom and asked my husband why the URL bar would be filled with results like that. He said it was probably from when he bought the computer, maybe the results were from something before. He had a few ideas as to where it could have come from.  I think I probably looked at him like he was an idiot and said okay. He left for work a few minutes later.

As soon as he left, I got to work. I pulled up the history.  It was filled with vile sites. Wanting to puke, I kept digging. I looked through the search history. Searches for words like “porn” “sex” and “boobs” quickly came up, along with the names of specific girls. The girls of his fantasies. Wanting to find something to tell me this was a bad joke, I just kept looking. Sometimes I wish I had stopped.  The more I looked, the more I felt shattered. There were files and files of images of girls doing things I can’t describe. The images I found on the computer that day are burned into my brain. 

I cried. I collapsed into a pile on the computer desk and sobbed. I got in the shower and bawled like a baby. I tried to get dressed and cried some more. I couldn’t believe the words and images I saw on the computer were something my husband would be looking for. How could this be my world?!