Signs

I can’t say that the husband looking at porn was a complete shock to me. There were signs, signs I see much clearer now that I am two years out from d-day. 

There were nights when I went to bed alone while he played a video game. I would ask him to come to bed and he would say "just a minute, I’ll be there soon."

There were times I would wake up in the middle of the night and he still wouldn’t be in bed. I would think “I need to go see what he’s doing.” Those weren’t my thoughts. I believe they were promptings. But I never did follow up on them. I’d just call his name from the bedroom.

 

Always, when I walked into the room, he shut down his computer screen so the desktop showed. I would wonder what he was looking at but I never checked on it. 

Then there was his anger and frustration. He would snap at little things. He was never mean or violent towards me. But sometimes, he would yell and get upset and nothing. I could never understand where that temper came from. 

I never did anything about the signs I saw. On occasion I’d ask him why he seemed so frustrated. He would blame it on school, work or stress about big life decisions. I am sure those played a part – for sure when he was stressed his acting out got worse. 

I have spent hours and hours wondering what would be different if I had followed up on those promptings. What if I had questioned him when he shut down what he was doing on the computer when I walked in the room? What if I had really tried to figure out what was making him angry?

I never did those things because I falsely believed that it was his life and he could do what he wanted. I was wrong – we are married, that makes us a team. What he was doing – what I thought was just video games late into the night and being a little bit secretive about his doings on the computer – it was slowly destroying our marriage, his life and my self-confidence. Sure, it’s his life, but it’s my life too. It’s the life we are building for our little babies.

Now, I watch for these signs. I notice when they are coming and try to talk to him. I make sure to pray extra hard that he'll feel the Spirit. I can't change what he decides to do and I can't make him abstain from looking at pornography. Mostly, I try to listen to the promptings I feel and act on them.