The night of D-Day

After I composed myself I sent my husband a text. It was simple, “we have to talk.” I sent it just a few minutes before he was supposed to be home. We had a wedding reception that night.

I was hungry. At six months pregnant, I was always hungry. I started some Ramen Noodles. I had the water boiling and had just dropped that little square of noodles into the water when I heard the door open. I steeled myself for a hard conversation, threw a smile on and went to greet my husband. He walked down the stairs slowly.

“I got your text. What did you want to talk about?” he said.

I said nothing.

“It’s about this morning, right? About the computer?”

I still said nothing.

“Jess… I’m sorry. I, I don’t know what to say….”

He tried to talk and apologize. I turned the stove off and walked into our bedroom. (side note: those ramen noodles may or may not have sat on the stove for three days. I still can't make ramen noodles without thinking of him telling me that yes, he was looking at other women's naked pictures.) I cried. I didn’t know what to say to him. How do you ask the man you love if he’s been looking at other women naked the whole time you’ve been married or if it’s a new thing? How do you tell him how disappointed and heartbroken you are? All I could muster was, “Did you even think about our marriage before you started this?” 

That opened the floodgates. We talked for a long time. Somewhere in the middle of talking we got ready to go to my cousin’s wedding reception and went. I managed to put on a happy face and sit with my family. I managed to tell my cousin and his new bride how happy I was for them – all while thinking of my wedding day almost two years before. 

We came home and talked more. He told me how it started, how long it had been, how he never meant to hurt me, how it had nothing to do with me. I cried. He talked. I asked questions and cried.

Finally, we agreed to call my Dad and ask him to come give my husband a blessing. My Dad, the saint that he is, came right over with my Mom. They talked to us for a long time. Never judging, never blaming just talking to my husband about the atonement and then gave both of us blessings.

We went to bed after my parents left. My husband laid there for a long time. I sat in up in bed, hugging my knees the best that a pregnant woman can. I don’t think I slept. 

That night, I knew my world had changed. I knew nothing would ever be the same. I knew something was terribly wrong in our home and that something would have to change for us to ever be happy or have peace again. 

What I didn’t know then was that my husband was addicted to porn. Heck, I didn’t even really know that porn addiction was a thing. I didn’t know this was something we would deal with on a regular basis for the next few years. I didn’t know that my heart could break so many times. 

I also didn’t know that someday I would find peace. That I would be okay with this porn addiction. I didn’t know that I would find strength somewhere and manage to move forward. I didn’t know that I could still love my husband because that night, all I could think about were the terrible images I had discovered on my computer.